Smokin' Aces SUCKS ASS!

I hope I didn't give anything away be the title of this blog, but my computer is back up so it's time for some more movie watching. Like most people remotely interested in the movie Smokin' Aces, I desperately hoped this movie was going to be good. It had all the makings of a kick ass action movie: guns, drugs, cool cast, and a bunch of other shit, but it just did not deliver at all. This tale of a shit load of hit men out to collect the bounty on a mob snitch before the FBI can get to him, ultimately falls flat on it's face.

The things I liked included Jason Bateman's drugged-out lawyer character whose part in the film is so short, it's almost not even worth mentioning. The other note-worthy good point was the performance by Chris Pine who played one third of a trio of skin heads out to wax Jeremy Piven's Vegas Performer turned gangster turned stool pigeon. In Pine first hilarious scene he moves the mouth of a dead guy (played by Ben Affleck - i couldn't really figure who his character was. Just another dude trying to kill The Pivs i guess) while apologizing for just having killed him. Towards the end of the film one of Affleck's friends who he thought he killed returns for revenge, minus three of his fingers, in a fairly memorable exchange.



What really sucked though, is that this movie was just full of undeveloped characters. There were just way too many people in here. Then at the end the filmmaker tries to make you feel sorry for Ryan Reynolds after his partner dies....I mean, who really gives a fuck.

This movie also had some of the worst editing I've ever seen. They employ the old character-in-new-scene-finishes-sentence-of-character-from-previous-scene like a million times. Also, the film never progressed with out showing every single characters actions. It would be like me showing you a dude pouring a cup of coffee then cutting to scenes of every single person I know and what they were doing at that exact same moment before finally, 25 minutes later, the dude took his first sip of coffee. You truly have to see it to realize just how bad it was, except I have to strongly urge never to see it, so therefore you never will get to see the full shittiness of this movie, which is just as well.

"I'm gonna get my dick wet."

Seeing a movie as entertaining and exhilarating and Grindhouse, Robert Rodriquez's Planet Terror and Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof, is like sex: it feels fantastic while it's happening, most other things you do don't compare, and before you know it - it's over. Finally this team of cinematic nerds brought us there homage to classic exploitation films and it truly delivered the goods; much like your hot girlfriend. Now only if you could enjoy her for over 3 and a half hours...



The film opened with Rodriguez's fake trailer for the film Machete, starring Danny Trejo as an a jack-of-all-trades badass who takes revenge after the assholes that hired him for a hit set him up. The trailer is a perfect replica of some of the great blaxploitation trailers complete with plenty of ass-kicking, four letter words and of course, titties.



Planer Terror kicked things off with an absolutely awesome go-go dance under the title credits by Rose McGowan's Cherry Darling. From then on the picture was a non-stop ride of spot-on performances, a brilliant script complete with one witty one-liner after another, and grotesque zombie killings. I can't say enough about the cast! McGowan kept reminding me of an old-school Hollywood leading lady (then to my surprise QT's character tells her she looks like Ava Gardner). Freddy Rodriguez is officially on my list of kick ass actors. Josh Brolin as the thermometer sucking, Doc Block was unexpectedly amazing as was his on-screen wife Marley Shelton. QT and Bruce Willis were brilliant in their cameos. Basically the entire cast no matter how small there role, was on point! Planet Terror perfectly displays just how adept Robert Rodriguez is at making this type of film, in case you weren't already convinced after watching El Mariachi, The Faculty or From Dusk Til Dawn. If there were any real flaws in this film(would have liked less CGI effects), I really didn't care because I was too wrapped up in how much fun I was having to even give a fuck. He just got everything right.

Before the next film started the surprisingly small crowd of maybe twenty people were treated first to a trailer for Werewolf Women of the S.S., directed by Rob Zombie. Not much thought seemed to have gone into this one. Perhaps it was a last minute decision to have Zombie do a trailer? The cameo by Nic Cage was kinda funny though. Next came Don't from Shaun of the Dead director Edgar Wright. There was even less here, with just shots of people screaming with graphics repeating the word DON'T and no creativity put into it. Finally was Eli Roth's trailer for Thanksgiving. This one got out on to the internet before the film was released but i refrained from watching it. Roth only spend two days shooting and put together a much more entertaining trailer then Wright or Zombie for his fake film about a turkey fucking serial killer. Roth still seems to be in the Tarantino's little brother mode but it should be interesting to see what he can do with his next few films following Hostel II.

After the trailers, QT's Death Proof finally started with a very Tarantino style feel of a woman's feet resting on a dash as some hip song played. Again he used a soundtrack that was not original music but was just obscure enough that each song should bring to mind Death Proof whenever one hears them from now until the end of time. As advertised, the film was in fact, dialogue heavy but only from the first 30 minutes or so. I have to say, I didn't really get it. It was not as QT himself said, some of his best dialogue to date. As a matter of fact, I found myself daydreaming in certain parts of the 1st half of Death Proof. But don't misunderstand this critique as me not liking the film because that just ain't true. I think Tarantino has officially made a star out of Sydney Tamiia Poitier whose performance as Jungle Julia was classic. Like Uma, Pam Grier, Tim Roth and Sam Jackson before her she seemed to perfectly understand how his unique style of writing should be spoken.



As Kurt Russell's Stunt man Mike moved on to his next set of women, Tracie Thomas turned in another priceless performance that was a bit more on the boisterous side. The second half of the film is when it really picked up. I had heard so many great things about the car chase that takes place with stunt woman Zoe Bell on the hood of a Dodge Challenger, but I had no fucking clue it would be so long and so goddamned awesome! Here to the brilliance of the shot composition and editing really begin to shine. And when you have finally been given a break from the heart pounding effect of the car chase the women punctuate the film with a reversal of power to end it all.

There is so much that I would like to talk about in regards to these movies but I don't want to reveal anymore details for people that haven't seen it. Together these films created what was one of the most entertaining movie experiences I've had since I don't know when. Just see it, see them, love them! On a quick side note, I also got a chance to listen to both film's soundtracks and they both kicked ass! Planet Terror with RR's awesome score and Death Proof with QT's collection of obscure pop music ditties. Ok, so in case you couldn't guess already, I gotta say which film I liked better. I absolutely loved them both, but before seeing them again I am going to say that Planet Terror was my favorite. Tarantino's apparent wish to stay true to his typical style seemed to ignore an effort to pay tribute to the classic grindhouse filmmaking conventions regardless of which genre he picked. In true b-movie fashion though, Robert Rodriguez exploited the audiences desire to see all the trashy shit that they hope for in a movie, and in the end made the better half of this double feature.

My past weekend of movies...

In anticipation for this weekend's release of Grindhouse, I thought I should catch everybody up on what I've seen recently so I don't get too far behind. So I'll just hit you with some quick thoughts and then come back this weekend to see the Grindhouse review.



I finally got around to seeing this movie that many people mention nowadays as one of their favorite zombie flicks, and for about the first 80 minutes it was shaping up to be one of mine too. Even though the film goes totally down hill when the survivors of the zombie plague make it to a military base where they think they will be safe, I still thought 28 Days Later was pretty friggin' cool. Danny Boyle really shows what happens when you put a skilled director behind the lens for a horror flick. The music along with the great long shots of abandoned London streets in the first act truly make the entire movie. No grotesque or brutal killings or loads of stumbling dead people just fear, suspense, and unknown. Check it out.




Any brilliance in this film about a petty thief who sells his newborn son for a wad of cash was totally lost or me. It won best picture at Cannes in 2005 and I can't figure out why. When the dude tells his girlfriend he did it he tries to get the kid back not because he realized he is a complete retard, but because he knew his girlfriend would tell the cops. I get that I was supposed to hate the guy, but i can't get behind a movie where the central character has no redeeming qualities.



The Holiday, about 2 disillusioned women who switch homes for 2 weeks, was a little long but pretty good as far as romantic comedies go. Jude Law and Cameron Diaz were great as the hot and sexy couple and Kate Winslet and Jack Black were totally awkward as the, well...awkward couple. Each actor gave just enough to make this movie entertaining. Even Rufus Sewell(easily one of my top 5 favorite character actors) was great, turning in another excellent role as "the asshole". So if you wanna simply enjoy yourself for a few hours and watch Jack Black try to act like a normal person then give this movie a shot.



Blood Diamond was fun as hell! Leo was really good as an African dude who smuggles gun in exchange for diamonds. He helps Jennifer Connelly's journalist character get a story and Dijmon Hounsou find his family displaced by Rebel fighters, all in hopes of finding a kick ass diamond big enough for him to get out of that godforsaken place. Great action, tons of priceless one-liners, and lots of screaming from Hounsou (say what you want but nobody can scream like this guy - except maybe for Little Richard but he doesn't count)! See it, it's good.

Next time you read something I wrote I will have seen Grindhouse. Go see Grindhouse! That was Grindhouse by the way. G-R-I-N-D-H-O.....